Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
