Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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