i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
