i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
