You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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