Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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