dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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