i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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