Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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