remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
