dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
