I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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