I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
