I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
