Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
