New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
