So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
