Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
