she woke up with a sticky ear
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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