remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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