Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
