I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
