He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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