you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
