Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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