I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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