Can i not drive my cunt home
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
