I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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