You just made me feel so damn special
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
