uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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