your parents love me but you hate me
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
