I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
