I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's rum buckets o'clock
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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