You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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