his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
