You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We need to get me chipped asap
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
