it was like his penis was on wheels.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
