I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
