i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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