That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
40s are totally the cure
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
