what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
