I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
