I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
