i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My ATM looks so different sober.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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