On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
