respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
