So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
