i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
it's like iHOP with fire
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
