That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
