My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
